Just a short post today, and even though I really, really want to complain about Hubs I'm not going to.  I want this blog to be more about my daughters than my marriage.

Tomorrow we go back to see our pediatrician, probably to talk about Boo's reactions to medication.  I'm not sure what to tell him because I honestly don't see a lot of changes when she's on the medication.  Hubs says there is a huge difference, but maybe that's because he doesn't see her all day long like I do.  Anyway, I can't say I'm looking forward to the appointment, but I plan to ask if we should get a therapist for Boo and ask about home strategies for homework and chores.

My mom came back from her vacation and I had hoped that talking to her about this new situation would make me feel a lot better.  She hasn't come out and said as much, but I think she thinks the ADHD diagnosis is crap.  Every time I talk about some behavior of Boo's, she'll say to me, "Oh, but all kids are like that!" or "You did the same thing when you were her age".  I really needed her in my corner, just so that someone would be there, but I don't think she's on board.  So now I'm really on my own.  It's a very lonely and hopeless feeling.

More tomorrow after we see the doctor.

Finding Help

I spent a good chunk of my time yesterday looking for a behavioral therapist.  I don't know if it's a necessity but I'd like to be prepared in case our pediatrician suggests we go that route.  I would love to be able to go easy on medication if possible and if a therapist will help to do that I'm on board.  I hate giving her a pill every day and frankly, I don't even know if it's working.  She sometimes seems like she's calmer but it hasn't been very consistent.  I've been giving it to her at the same time every day so I can watch for a change, but so far I haven't really seen much.  Happily, there also haven't been any side effects.  Boo hasn't complained of dizziness or nausea, she doesn't seem to have lost her appetite, and she doesn't bounce off the walls for 4 hours after she takes her meds.  I really hate being in the dark on this and I wish our appointment was sooner than August 1st.

I watched a friend's kids yesterday for a few hours.  She started a new job recently and hasn't been able to line up permanent child care yet.  She has a daughter and a son and my girls have known them for a long time.  Boo met my friend's daughter in a kids' cooking class they took when they were 4 years old and we've all been friends ever since.  Bean gets along well with my friend's son despite the two year age difference and in all the day went well.  Boo did well with her friend, who is almost 10, and they made some bracelets together and played around with lip gloss.  But later in the day, Boo did some age-inappropriate play by dressing up like a cat and crawling around on all fours meowing.  The behaviors like that always bother me and I wish they didn't.  I think it's because I know nothing will fix them.  She just has to grow up at her own pace, but I'm terrified that she will completely isolate herself from her peers this year in school.  That's another reason I am looking at therapists before the pediatrician even suggests it.  A therapist can help her make more appropriate choices in public places like school and save her "baby" play for time at home with Bean.

I just realized that I haven't mentioned who Bean is yet.  She's my almost 4 year old and is a very typical girl.  She loves dolls and clothes and shoes and is so much like I was when I was little.  It's easy for me to relate to her now, though it wasn't always that way.  But that's a story for another post.  Anyway, she holds her own with Boo and so far seems to not exhibit any symptoms of ADHD.  I am watching closely though.  Bean also had to go to speech therapy but wasn't as defiant or difficult about it as Boo was.  I don't think she has ADHD.  She seems to be able to concentrate on one activity much longer than her sister does.  Bean goes to preschool this fall and I think I will ask her teacher to just keep an eye out to see if she has any behaviors that might show ADHD.  I hope not.  One is difficult enough.

My other worry is that Boo might suffer from ODD, or Oppositional Defiance Disorder.  From early on, Boo always wanted to do things on her terms, even when she was very small.  Before speech therapy, she only had three words, and communicating with her was torture.  If you didn't understand what she wanted, especially at meal times, she would scream and bang her fists on her high chair tray, and most of the time I didn't understand what she wanted.  She could only say "hi", "okay", and "go" at the time, so how could I know that, "grunt grunt hi ughn?" really meant, "Mommy, could I have applesauce instead of grapes today?"  Once I found out she had a speech delay (from an awesome pediatrician who is no longer with our practice, sadly) and that I could teach her sign language, I stayed up half the night learning signs on a website.  I learned 60 signs in about 4 hours and she picked up on them fast.  The screaming and tray-banging days were at an end.  But her temper never changed.  Instead of grunting and screaming, Boo could now tell me in no uncertain terms that SHE WAS NOT GOING TO PICK UP ANY TOYS TODAY.  7 years later, it's no different.  She decided she didn't want to make her bed this morning until I threatened her with no screen time for the rest of the day.  She stomped around and muttered about it, but she did finally do it.  Little does she know I'm going to need to seriously cut her screen time way down in the future anyway.  I don't really know how I'm going to do that yet, but it has to be done.  I wish I had someone I could bounce ideas off of instead of just a computer screen.  It's frustrating.

The Right Place

I am at the beginning of my journey to understanding and dealing with ADHD, so if you've come here looking for advice or information, I'm sorry that I have none to give.  Yet.  I'm one of those people who researches everything to death, so I'll write about what I've found out and my favorite books or websites for information.  I'll also probably write a lot about my feelings and frustrations, since this is the only place I really have to get those out.  I do not have a good support system.  I only have my mother, who is out of town right now and I wish was here for reasons I'll explain in a minute, and one friend who I don't know very well but has a child on the spectrum.  They are the only two people I've told.  This blog is my only other outlet.

Did I mention that I just found out my oldest has ADHD four days ago?  I am still reeling from it.  Boo is 9 and entering 4th grade in the fall.  I've suspected for a while that something was up, but I always chalked it up to brain changes because of growth or just being a kid.  But Boo has always been a girl of extremes.  When she's happy she's really happy and when she's angry she's really angry.  She still melts down like a kid much younger than her would and has a defiant streak, but again, I assumed it's just who she is and that she'll mature in time.  One big red flag waved when her grades started to slip last year.  She raced through her homework and made careless mistakes and couldn't seem to stick to one activity for more than a few minutes before racing on to the next, and she started doing impulsive, age-inappropriate things at school and at home, like throwing a tantrum when she didn't get her way.  Always talkative, Boo started talking so much and so fast it was impossible to have a conversation because you couldn't get a word in, ever.  The other red flag was the pica.  If you're unfamiliar with the term, pica is a compulsion to eat things that are not food, like dirt or paper.  For Boo, it's erasers.  We first found out she was eating them two years ago.  We discussed it and told her it was unhealthy.  When I continued to find pencils stripped of their erasers, she told us she didn't eat them anymore and just pulled them off to smush them with her fingers.  But when I recently found a cache of chewed up pull-apart erasers stashed in the cushions of our basement couch, I knew it was time to call the doctor.

Luckily, our pediatrician practice has a lot of doctors and one that I like and trust happens to specialize in mental health for kids.  I made an appointment and hoped he'd end up telling me I was imagining things, that Boo is fine and I'm overprotective.  But after a long appointment and a bunch of paperwork, he told me she had ADHD and wrote me a prescription.  He told me to come back in a week to talk about how she's doing and make plans for the future.  Part of me still wants to believe that none of this actually happened, that I dreamed it.  But every day when I open the cabinet that bottle of methylphenidate Hcl is there and I know it's reality.  I was completely unprepared for the diagnosis even though I suspected some sort of hyperactivity in Boo.  She's got a label now, and I'm pissed off about it.  I'm pissed off that I didn't see this coming sooner, that I didn't do something when she first started with the pica, that I don't really have anyone to talk to or discuss this with right now.  Like I said earlier in my post, if my mom was in town I'd be coping better than I am right now.  She'll be home tomorrow and has only been gone a week but it feels like a month at this point.  I haven't been able to talk to my friend about this in person, either.  The only reason I contacted her was because I know I'll have to tell the school and since she has a child with ASD she knows the drill and could point me in the right direction.  She was really supportive and told me I can vent to her anytime, which was beyond great, but she has her own problems to deal with so I still can't help but feel completely isolated.

You might be wondering if I'm married or in a relationship.  I am.  I have been married to my husband for 16 years.  For the most part, things are fine with us, but Husband is...distracted.  Tech rules his life and he's never without a device whether it's an iPad or his smartphone.  It's difficult to have a conversation with him and often that conversation turns to either his work or something he read on one of the many websites he visits.  It's hard to pin him down to talk about serious things, so I shouldn't be surprised that he appears uninterested in our daughter's newly diagnosed ADHD.  I am surprised, though, and I'm resentful.  All that time he spends on the internet and he relies on me to get him information about ADHD, like I'm his personal Here Let Me Google That For You.  I made the mistake of telling him that much, too.  He was in the middle of playing a computer game and angrily jabbed at the keyboard of his laptop until his game closed.  "There, I shut it off!"  Like he's a kid who ran out of screen time and I've been nagging him to take out the trash.  I left him alone after that and tried not to pay attention, but I couldn't help notice that he was back to playing games before long.  I know I am the type of person who immerses myself in something I want more information about and that I can go overboard.  I admit it.  But this is our daughter we're talking about.  She needs our help and support.  I need someone I can lean on regularly while we go through this process.  Is it so much to ask that that person be my spouse?

So that's where I am right now.  I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a forest and it's getting dark.  I've got to get out of the woods before nightfall but I don't know which way to go.  I don't have a compass and all the trees look the same.  My daughter is by my side and trusts me to lead, but I'm lost and I can't find the way.  How do I get us to the right place?